A Sunday jog in the parklands After a week of stress and an equally stressful weekend, there's nothing I like better than a nice quiet jog in the woods to get back to nature and burn off a box of Cheeze-Its. The family had headed off to morning mass leaving me to enjoy the solace and peace of the household for the next 90 minutes. But, I just felt like being outside, in the woods, enjoying a quiet morning jog.
I drove to the parklands, parked my truck and made my way down to one of the paths deep in the woods. After a quick stretch and some shadow boxing I was on my way. The first half mile was uneventful; it appeared that I was in for a nice quiet jog. Wrong!!!. Encounter 1. The Dog.
As I made my way around the first leg of the three mile trail I heard someone yelling, and then I heard barking. I pretty much tuned it out until I heard the barking getting closer and closer to me. After four more steps a freaking horse with floppy ears and a tail erupts from the woods and spots me on the path. Normally I'm not afraid of dogs, but this dog was clearly not happy to see anyone else in the woods.
Cujo took a step back and growled. I stopped dead in my tracks and slowly began to back up. Cujo took another step forward sniffing the air trying to catch my scent. The dog probably detected my case of morning halitosis combined with sweat from my battered body and my badly in need of laundering sweatpants and shirt. Cujo just kept growling at me and all I wanted to do was continue on with my jog.
I decided to take a few steps; my second mistake. Deciding to go jogging was my first. Cujo charged and I ran faster than I thought possible. I could hear that buggers paws closing on me as I sprinted as fast as my 42 year old legs could carry me. I felt these two lead anchors land on my shoulders as I was knocked off my feet. Cujo was all over me growling and licking my neck and face.
This stupid dog wasn't out to kill me he just wanted to play. Well, Dogzilla let me stand back up while he put his size twelve paws on my shoulders and wagged his tail. He was growling, but that happy "I wanna rough house" growl that dogs have when their all excited. Well, better this than being a man sized milk bone. So I spent about five minutes rough housing with a dog that could have made a meal of me any time it wanted.
I must admit I was kinda enjoying the horse. dog. Having only cats for so many years, hangin with a dog was refreshing. Well, then the owner decided to grace me with her presence and proceeded to talk to me all about her dog, Muffy.
Why would anybody name a male dog this big Muffy? She spent ten full minutes telling me all about Muffy and how gentle he was etc. I just wanted to keep jogging. Muffy finally got bored and took off with his owner in hot pursuit and I was on my way again, but covered in dirt and dog paw prints. Encounter 2. I went about another two miles and decided to take a narrow side path in order to check out some deer trails. Well, the uphill part of my run was a little more than I was up for so I stopped for a few minutes and took a breather.
I heard some faint noises off in the distance and decided to follow the sound, hoping I'd get a peek at a fair sized doe or buck. Like a GI Joe wannabe I started crawling through some brush and got closer and closer to the sounds. I figured it had to be a deer working over a rub but it just didn't sound right. I poked my head up and caught a sight that I was not intended to see. It was a doe, but of the human persuasion. Two teenyboppers were busy doing the deed cowgirl style.
She was riding her boyfriend for all she was worth and her chest was bouncing up and down like she was riding a mechanical bull. His hands were busy on and off her chest while she moaned with each grope. I admit to enjoying the show for a minute and admiring her form and technique. Man, she was stacked.
I backed away and then stood up and made some deliberate noise. She leapt off her stallion and he jumped up with a look of terror. They scrambled for their clothes as I retreated back into the woods, knowing that that guy was probably cursing me with every vile name he could think of for ruining his good time. I stopped for a second to check out a deer rub and the lovebirds caught up with me.
He said hi to me and gave me a guilty look and she simply looked at the ground refusing to meet my eyes, I really couldn't blame her. I said they should check themselves for deer ticks because they were out in full force and could cause Lime Disease. I thought the poor girl was going to pass out at the thought of a tiny tick embedded in her tender nether regions. As they walked away she elbowed him in the ribs and mumbled something about never again. I didn't catch the exact quote but the general implication was clear.
I figured it served him right for being too cheap to get a room. I decided that my work here was done and started to jog back to the main path. I went about another half mile or so and decided that my knees had had about enough. I reached the other park entrance, four miles, and stretched a bit before my long walk back. Encounter 3.
As I was stretching I noticed a guy just sitting in his fancy BMW listening to some loud classical music blaring from his car. Now I wouldn't have cared too much about it, but he was just laying there shaking his head back and forth for several seconds. IT looked bizarre, but I figured to each his own. Before I turned away I saw another head pop up on the passenger side of the car; another guy.
At that point I had all the information I needed. Clearly it was time to leave. I heard the car doors open and I never bothered to look back. I just jogged away and headed back towards my truck as fast as my legs could carry me. I passed stallion and his girlfriend, they were kissing and groping on the bridge, apparently she had forgiven him, maybe he'd get lucky later on after all. I passed two other couples arm in arm and wondered if they too were looking for a secluded spot to make a love nest.
I suddenly wondered if I was the only idiot out here jogging. I made it back to my truck without any further events and headed to Honey Dew Donuts for a cup of coffee. I got my coffee and sat on the tailgate of my truck trying to figure it all out. I gather that the parklands are reserved for couples of any type on Sunday Mornings. Next Sunday, if I'm in the mood for some exercise I think I'll simply cut and rake the lawn, unless my wife wants to go for a jog. .
By: Gregory J. Ballan
