|After a heavy night
at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness
at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care
of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes
later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands
his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you
have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another
room!!!" said the drunk. "Very good, sir. I'll change
you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like
502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," said
the drunk, "it's on fire."
A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender
stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring
that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says,
"But my gator here does a really cool trick..."
The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man
whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then
takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it.
A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls
out his dick without a single scratch.
He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else
want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure,
but don't hit me with that stick."
A guy walks into
a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's
drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The
monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs
some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table,
grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your
monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate
the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the
bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the
patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp.
I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his
drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's
in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino
cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt,
pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks
the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his
butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he
ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
a guy. His favorite bar is called 'Sally's Legs'. The
bar is closed, so he waits outside for it to open. He
was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came
over to him, and asked, "What are you doing?" The guy
replies, "I'm waiting for 'Sally's Legs' to open so I
can get a drink."
day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking
some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You
see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think
I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes
over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me
sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!"
The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed
the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin",
second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you
live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me
too! What number is it?", the first man announces,
"162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your
parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and
Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is
So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some
more when the bartenders change shifts. The new
bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender
and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are
walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog
on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that
he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he
can't. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner
looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of
this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?"
The dog answers "ROOF." The bartender says, "Who are you
kidding? I'm not paying." The dogs owner says, "How
about double or nothing and I'll ask him something
else". The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the
dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all
time". The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH." With that
the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the
door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at
his owner and says "DiMaggio?".
A man walks into
a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good
trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers
it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a
tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny
piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to
play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I
show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for
the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no
trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches
into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his
other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches,
cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man
reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who
begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts
him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the
man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the
offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not
for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to
$500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog
over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have
been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere
$500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog
was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
A man goes into a
bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and
says, "What'll it be buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them
doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one
down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven
are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in
disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
A man walks into
a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and
talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of
people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the
window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this
guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says
to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from
my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get
any outside the glass."
The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants
his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass,
paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays
beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass.
When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I
guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"
The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside
the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer
all over the bar."
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