CELEBRITY JOKES

Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest song?
A: "Don't let your son go down on me."

Q: What's Michael Jackson's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Little Boy Blew.

Q: What did Michael Jackson tell the little boy?
A: "The way you make me feel, it really turns me on!"

Q: What did Michael Jackson say when a boy in a car mooned him going down the road?
A: "I'll be there!"

If you play thriller backwards, you can hear Michael confessing all the names of the boys he touched. That's why it is 14 minutes long.

Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite gospel song?
A: "And then he touched me"

I just bought a new car stereo... When you shout out "Soul", it plays soul music. When you shout out "Rock", it plays rock music. Some kids ran in front of my car, and I shouted "fucking kids!", and it played Michael Jackson.

Michael Jackson's found a way to stymie that L.A. search warrant:
He's invited Lorena Bobbitt over.

Q: How do we know Michael is guilty?
A: Several children have fingered him.

Q: How will MJ pay off his old boyfriends?
A: Liquefy some assets.

Q: Why doesn't Micheal have orgasms?
A: The big payoff comes a couple of months later.

Q: Why does Michael like children so much?
A: He knows how they feel.

Q: How did Michael get in trouble?
A: He was feeling a little Randy.

Q: How is Michael dealing with his problems?
A: He's holding his own.

Q: How are Michael's friends dealing with the problem?
A: They're all standing behind him.

Q: What psychological problem does Michael still suffer from?
A: Anal retention.

Q: How is Michael now?
A: Feeling a little crotchety.

Q: Why does Micheal Jackson like to lose foot races to little boys?
A: He likes to come in a little behind.

Q: What was the big break in the Micheal Jackson molestation case?
A: A doctor did a rectal exam of one of the boys bringing charges and found
... a white glove.

Q: What is the most difficult thing to get out of little boys underwear?
A: Michael Jackson's makeup!

Q: Why is Michael Jackson addicted to pain killers?
A: To stop him from going OW! OW! OW!

Q: How does Michael Jackson keep his youth?
A: Pizza and Nintendo.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
A: He thought it was a delivery service.

Q: Where does Michael Jackson go to find a date?
A: Boys 'R Us.

Q: What does Michael call an orgy?
A: A fruit salad.

Q: What makes Michael Jackson so unique?
A: It's the little boy inside him.

Q: Did you know that Michael Jackson just turned 35?
A: Yeah, but he still feels like a 13 year old.

Q: What do Michael and Gaylord Perry have in common?
A: Both have held lots of wet balls in their hands.

Q: Who was the unmanned recon airplane the Predator named for?
A: Michael Jackson.

Q: What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A: A Michael Jackson slumber party.

Q: What's "black-white" and purple?
A: Michael Jackson's dick after a slumber party with a bunch of 6 year olds.

Q: How do you know when it's bedtime at the Jackson residence?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand...

Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite game to play at night?
A: Hide the pickle in the pajamas.

Q: What child's game does Michael NOT allow to be played at his Neverland ranch?
A: Got your nose! Put it back!

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston have in common?
A: They both like a little crack now and then.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson Check into the Betty Ford clinic?
A: To get over his 11 year crack habit.

Q: Why does Michael really need to go to rehab?
A: He's a crack addict.

Q: What did Michael Jackson say when he got back to Neverland Ranch from drug rehab?
A: You know, I feel like a new boy!

Q: Why doesn't Michael sleep with boys anymore?
A: He's tired of all the cracks.

Q: What's the first problem the Michael's child will have in life?
A: Figuring out which parent is his mother.

Q: What happens when Michael talks about sex?
A: It's all very tongue in cheek.

Q: What's sex like for Michael?
A: Child's Play.

Q: What's the difference between a plastic grocery bag and Michael Jackson?
A: Well, one's an artificial piece of trash that can harm little children,
and the other is used to hold groceries.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a refrigerator?
A: A fridge doesn't toot after you take your meat out of it!

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a microwave?
A: A microwave won't brown your meat!

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
A: Acne doesn't come on your face until you're about fifteen.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
A: One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a ghost?
A: One is completely white and has a scary face. The other is a supernatural being.

Q: What's the difference between Michael and Connie Chung?
A: Michael's been able to have kids.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Nixon?
A: One was a consummate asshole, the other a consummated asshole.

Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
A: Michael Jackson.

Q: Why does Michael Jackson arrange for private shopping?
A: So his guests won't be accompanied by guardians!

Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book?
A: It's called "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing".

Q: What's Michael's favorite Canadian TV show?
A: The Kids in the Hall.

Q: What will they call Michael's new TV series?
A: Anus and Andy.

Q: Why has Michael been appearing on children's shows lately?
A: He has a lot to plug.

Q: Why was Michael Jackson late for the circus?
A: He couldn't get the stains out of his clown suit.

Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have decided to begin training racehorses together?
A: Yeah, she's gonna do all the handicapping and he's gonna ride all the three-year-olds!

Q: What do second place race horses and Michael Jackson have in common?
A: They both come in a little behind.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Willie Shoemaker have in common?
A: Both ride 4 year olds.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Mick Dittman?
A: Mick Dittman DOES have a license to ride 4 year olds.

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a racing jockey?
A: A jockey can mount three year olds legally.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?
A: The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out.

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and the PLO?
A: The PLO pulled out of Jordan.

Q: What do Micheal Jackson and Saddam Hussein have in common?
A: They both pulled out of Jordan.

Q: What's the difference between Richard Pryor and Michael Jackson?
A: Richard Pryor got burnt on coke, Michael Jackson got burnt on Pepsi!

Q: Have you heard about the foundation that Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor have started?
A: It's called the Ignited Negro College Fund.

Q: Why's Michael cutting down on public appearances?
A: He wants to spend more time with the kids.

Q: Who's happy when Michael Jackson gets a boy to stay over?
A: Bubbles.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson cross the road?
A: He saw someone blowing bubbles and thought he'd join in.

Q: Heard about Michael Jackson's new songs?
A: I'm forever blowing bubbles!

Q: Why is Michael Jackson's album new entitled "Bad"?
A: Because he couldn't spell "Pathetic".

Q: Why was Michael Jackson grounded?
A: He was "Bad".

Q: What did Michael Jackson do when his hair caught on fire?
A: He "Beat-it!"

Q: How do we know Michael Jackson is ready to release another album?
A: He has a lot of stuff in the can.

Q: Who will Michael record his next album with?
A: Les Brown.

Q: Which chips does Michael Jackson like to munch on?
A: O'Boysies.

Q: Where does Michael Jackson write his songs for the kids?
A: In his tanning salon.

Q: How do you neuter Michael Jackson?
A: Give him spiked gloves and tell him to sing a song.

Q: What do any of the Mets have in common with Michael Jackson?
A: They all wear one glove for no apparent reason.

Q: Where is Michael Jackson's other glove?
A: In Brooke Shields' pants.

Q: What would you call Michael Jackson if he slept with another 20 or 30 young boys?
A: Monsigneur.

Q: How will they ensure that Michael gets a thorough body search?
A: Hire a Catholic priest to do it.

Q: What do Michael and Catholic school nuns have in common?
A: Both are a pain in the ass to kids.

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a proctologist?
A: A proctologist doesn't pay for the assholes he's poked around in.

Q: Why did Pepsi sign up Michael Jackson for their ads?
A: Because he likes the taste of a new generation.

Q: Why did Pepsi fire Michael Jackson?
A: Because he was caught sucking on a Squirt!!

Q: Why did Michael Jackson fail to renew his contract with Pepsi?
A: Because he found out that the main ingredient was Bubbles!

Q: Why did Michael Jackson put cheese on his willy?
A: Because kids will do anything for the taste of Dairy Lea!

Q: What do Michael Jackson and broccoli have in common?
A: Both are force fed to little boys.

Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson marrying Lisa-Marie Presley?
A: If Elvis were dead, he'd turn over in his grave.

Q: What did Elvis say after seeing Michael and Lisa Marie on television?
A: "Boy, that's a relief. I though she married a black guy!"

Q: What did Lisa Marie Presley say to Michael Jackson when he popped her
the question?
A: "Yes, I'll marry you. But promise me one thing... NO KIDS!"

Q: What was Michael Jackson thinking about on his wedding night?
A: Hmmm, now Lisa-Marie can give me a little boy of my own.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley?
A: About two dress sizes!!!

Q: What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?
A: Got two fives for a ten?