10 Reasons I'm Happy To Have Been Born February 29th
"My house isn't all cluttered with thoughtful birthday
"Between my birthday and the damn groundhog, February's
a non-stop party"
"Though it's not legal, I pay my taxes once every four
"You think I'd be appearing on national TV if I'd been
born February 28th?"
"How many people get a car on their fifth birthday?"
"We still pay the children's price at the movies"
"Lack of birthday cake has kept me relatively thin"
"There's nothing good about it -- I just wanted to meet
"Dumb people think you're supernatural"
"I don't know why, but it gets me a lot of tail"
10 Good Things About Winning An Academy Award
"I mentioned Budweiser in my acceptance speech and to this
day I get a case a year."
"I hide a spare house key under my star on the Hollywood
Walk of Fame."
"Back in my day, I had good luck using the line, 'Wanna
polish my Oscar?'"
"Dangle it from your rearview mirror and goodbye speeding
"No more of that 'It's just an honor to be nominated' bull."
"If you forget to rewind, Blockbuster generally looks the
"On camping trips, the Oscar is great for pounding in tent
"A lot of people don't know this, but the head screws off
and there's Bourbon inside."
"Do you realize Mr. Genius Albert Einstein never won an
"There's a good chance Paris Hilton will make a sex video
Ten Catch Phrases Ryan Seacrest Rejected Before "Seacrest
Out!" presented by Ryan Seacrest
"Wow, I'm gorgeous!"
"Next time bring your sister, you hump."
"All hail North Korea's brave leader Kim Jong-Il!"
"This is Ryan Seacrest saying, 'Don't let the Asian Bird
Flu get you!'"
"Don't have your pets spayed or neutered."
"This has been Ryan Seacrest on 'American Idol,' or 'American
Top 40,' or 'On-Air with Ryan Seacrest,' or whatever the hell
I'm on right now!"
"Vote for Kucinich/Seacrest this November."
"So long, losers!"
10 Signs Bush Is Considering Dumping Cheney
Cheney's desk has been replaced by President's new air hockey
There's a listing on Monster Dot Com for a Vice-Presidential
position in a "Large North American Government."
Cheney's so depressed he's only eating 12 KFC drumsticks a day.
There is a "For Rent" sign on the front lawn of the
When Cheney says, "We're gonna win in November," Bush
snarls, "What's this 'We' crap?"
White House interns are no longer required to know CPR.
The CIA says they have reliable information Cheney won't be
Bush asked Trump if he could come to Washington and fire Cheney.
Yesterday a tearful Cheney sang "I Will Survive" on
the White House lawn.
Bush called Daddy looking for Quayle's number.
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