Two old people,
a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the
old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a
blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the
doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?"
So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE,
AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the
old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant.
So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor
told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back
the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen
cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem?
Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So,
I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right
hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing.
Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still
nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!
Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the
walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and
holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her
to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its
just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he
replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside
are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of
those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him
"BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the
nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as
well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally
after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says,
"See honey - its not that hard."
some good news and some bad news" the doctor says.
"What's the bad news?" asks the patient. "The bad news
is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live".
The patient is taken back, "What's the good news then
Doctor?". The doctor points over to the secretary at the
front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts,
tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?",
the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies, "I'm
pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her
obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said,
"My husband wants me to ask you...", to which the doctor
replies "I know...I know..." placing a reassuring hand
on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is
fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it,"
the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still
mow the lawn."
and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and
stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd
better make amends and called home.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
people get married. During the first week of marriage,
they find that they are unable to communicate in the
bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't
see each other using sign language. After several nights
of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife
decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why
don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at
night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and
squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to
have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one
time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs
back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have
sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.
If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my
penis ... fifty times"
walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a
urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says
"Hey, can you give me a hand?". Though he feels
uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's
pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out
his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all
green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come
judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit
as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in
"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says
"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what
is wrong with your Johnson?"
Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and
says "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna
good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink
and has a seat. During the course of the evening he
tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the
bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I
mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at
the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women.
Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the
most beautiful women you ever saw. Disheartened by all
this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me,
but that really ugly man just came in here and left with
those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as
ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but
have not been able to connect all night - What's going
on?' 'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does
it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in,
orders a drink, and just sits there licking his
A man and
his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled
up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on
to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and
reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy.
He did this only for a very short while then stopped and
went back to reading his book.
The wife got up and started stripping in front of him.
The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are
doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied,
"You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was
something a bit heavier".
The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my
fingers so I could turn the pages.
goes to the doctor's office and tells the doctor that
she can't get her husband to have sex with her anymore.
So, the doctor gives her some pills and says to give her
husband one each night in his dinner whenever she wants
to have sex. That night she gave him one and they had a
decent night of sex. The next night she decided to try 4
pills and she had even better sex. Well the next night
she tried 8 pills and the sex was wonderful. So the next
night she decided to dump the whole bottle in his
dinner. The next day her son showed up at the doctor's
office and and said, "Doctor, Doctor, what did you do to
my Daddy? My mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my butt
hurts, and my dad's going around saying here kitty,
Little Red Riding
Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her
mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path,
or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!"
Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided
to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle
stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path,
because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits
dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the
forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and
tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm
gonna suck your tits dry!!". "Oh no you don't", yells Little
Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like
the story says!"
Three people, 2 men
and 1 woman, and their dogs are in the Vets waiting room. The
first man's dog asked the second man's dog what he's there for.
They are putting me down. Oh no, says the first dog, why? The
second dog says, "Well, you see... I've been chasing the
Postman for years. Yesterday, I finally caught him, and bit him.
So, I'm going to be put to sleep. The second dog says, "Well,
my master just completely remodeled the inside of his house. I
didn't like it because my scent wasn't anywhere, anymore. So,
when he went to bed last night, I pissed on everything I could
find, to get my scent back. This morning, my master found out
what I had done, so he is putting me to sleep also.
The third dog said, "This is my masters new girlfriend. She
runs around the house all the time without her closes. This makes
me very horny. So, this morning, as she was getting out of the
shower, and bent over to wipe up the water on the floor. I couldn't
stand it anymore, so I jumped on her a gave it to her good!"
The other dogs say, " so' that's why they are putting you
to sleep?" No says the dog, "She is bringing me here
to get my toenails clipped!"
young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed
because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing,
she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, and dirty Doctor," she
said, "I guess I let myself go." The physician was checking
hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't
look that bad."
you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held
a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course.
Now just open your mouth and say moo."
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