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Top Ten Signs The Concert You're Attending is Not The Real Woodstock
From "Late Show with David Letterman"

10. It's hosted by Ed McMahon.

9. "Amplifiers" are just enormous dixie cups.

8. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables.

7. You're asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, you're being introduced as Bob Dylan.

6. One word: polkas.

5. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls.

4. "Santana" turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sackful of presents.

3. They're playing "May we turn the hose on you, please?" [All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each night's show with a hose.]

2. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving.

1. The crowd is chanting, "Tito! Tito! Tito!"

Top Ten Signs Your Car Might Be A Lemon

1. Motor Trend never mentioned a "Chevrolet Caca."

2. Manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan.

3. Passenger-side "airbag" is actually Rush Limbaugh crammed inside your glove box.

4. Two Words: Pontiac Sunkist

5. Changing the pre-set radio stations voids the warranty.

6. Oil spills on your driveway prompt a visit from Greenpeace.

7. Car has spent more time on "60 Minutes" than on the road.

8. Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.

9. Turn on the wipers and two guys climb out of the trunk with squeegees.

10. Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.

Top ten things not to say on your Anniversary

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.

9. Today is our what?

8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events?

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

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