MAD REDNECK JOKES

YOU'RE PROBABLY A REDNECK IF...

1. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war
general.

2. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.

3. You ever used lard in bed.

4. Your home has more miles on it than your car.

5. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.

6. There is a stuffed 'possum anywhere in your house.

7. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

8. Fewer than half of your cars run.

9. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.

10. The primary color of your car is "bondo".

11. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

12. You stand under the misteletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

13. Your family tree doesn't fork.

14. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

15. Your mother has gotten into a fistfight at a high school sports event.

16. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!".

17. You ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

18. You think the best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

19. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

20. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

21. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

22. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

23. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

24. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

25. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

26. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.

27. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".

28. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

29. You ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

30. Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.